A Cynic's Translation of What Clothing Descriptions Mean to me. Post 580



When I read descriptions, I often wonder what the truth is.

24 hour chat line - automatic answering service which tells you our opening hours, during which this message is discontinued and all phone ines are busy

As New - such a horrid colour and rough fabric and funny cut with long arms and short bodice, too tight to wear, 

as seen - full of moth holes, do not store with other clothes, only to be worn when trekking in Iceland

backless - the reason it's so cheap is we only gave you half the dress fabric

beautiful - (private seller) but not beautiful enough for me to want to keep it, (shop) actually we are a shop, but this has no label, no description, we had to say something

choose currency - can we please charge you double by going into another currency and charging you a fee

classic - completely lacking in any style

delicate item - do not wear with jewellery, watches, belts, under any jacket or coat, and do not talk with your hands. Wear once only

do not bleach - sorry about the stains, we already tried to get them out but nothing works

do not wring - liable to come apart as you pull it on

drop shoulder - you only get half this dress. The novice made a mistake and cut the neck lopsided.

dry clean only - we haven't a clue what this is made of

dusky rose - this was once a delightful bright pink but now looks faded and dirty

edge to edge - no buttons or buttonholes and not enough fabric to pull together

ends midnight - we only had one at this low price, and just put it up to get attention, and it will be gone by tonight

eyelet dress - we can't spell brodery on glaze, and when we can spell broderie anglaise our spell checker changes it 

faux - fake

free postage - these items are dolls house size

free returns - all our items are rubbish, but half the customers are too lazy to return the goods and even if they do we have borrowed your money for free for a month

family business - three generations of people who can't hold down a job, and can't add up

hand wash only - the colours run, unfinished stitching, it falls apart

handkerchief hem - we cut off a triangle to make a small scarf to sell separately

ice silk - not silk, but you can fool most of the customers most of the time

makes you feel like a princess - wear once only, then give it away to charity

One size fits all - fits nobody. made for midgets

pay with one click - please be careful not to touch your mouse or you will buy all your watched items costing 2,000 dollars

pencil skirt - too tight for anybody with normal curves, only for anorexics and the frail elderly

petite - we tried selling this as a tunic, then as a bolero, this is our last effort to sell it before we chuck it out

plated/gold plated/silver plated/chromium plated - do not remove from protective paper, will last about five minutes so long as you don't use your ring hand to open a door, or turn a tap, or grab a rail when climbing onto a bus, or hold onto anything on a train, or hold a shopping basket. We don't know why you are complaining. It was fine on our model and held in mid-air for twenty seconds.

postage will be shown at checkout - postage will triple the cost, so we tell you when it is too late to back out

pre-loved - either worn so much that the colour has faded, the seems have come apart, one button is already missing and the others will detach as you open the packet

sale - items we could not sell before, because they are size 11 shoes and doll-size underwear

satisfed customers - most people go away if we don't answer their letters, we have just moved again

see picture - we hope to sell this to somebody who has lost their spectacles or broken their reading glasses

small size - fits nobody, feels like a straightjacket

spagetti straps - we made every economy, including the thinnest shoulder straps

spare button - all sixteen lovely buttons are loose, sewn on in a hurry, but you are probably too tired to sew every one of them tighter so here is one spare as a gesture of goodwill

store out of direct sunlight - colours started fading in the shop - wear in a dark disco where nobody can see

stunning - can't believe anybody paid money, or even accepted it as a gift

support bra - solid as a suit of armour, makes a petite woman look like a sumo wrestler

vintage - long past its sell by date

unique - we have never seen anything so ghastly before

wash before use - you don't want to know what the maker of this object says she has now she has gone off sick /  clothes from our dead,  ancestor - item she wore when we found the decomposing body / stored in room with rat droppings and dead cockroaches / we hope the brown stains you did not notice will come out in the wash


Useful Websites

For Inspiration For Humour

https://mymodernmet.com/funny-dictionary-hipdict/


For Illustrations

https://pixabay.com/illustrations/search/cartoon/


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to repair a torn Mark & Spencer slip and make the hem wider, Post 294

Image
What is this? My repair.  I have a lovely shiny, smart black slip, from Marks & Spencers. It has a slit with pretty lace edging.  But it is slightly tight. It tore from the top of the slit, diagonally.  I looked for another slip. The ones I found onlin were twice the price and not in a satiny fabric. I wore it torn. I repaired it several times. It tore again.  I gave up. I wore it torn. Nobody sees. My husband saw. He complained. What could I do? It is useless to keep stitching it. It just tears again. I needed a new solution. I thought of adding a godet, a triangle of black fabric. I did not have anything to match. tht doesn't matter a godet is often a contrasting material. But that's when you have several godets and they look deliberate. I hunted in my sewing box. Boxes. All I had was teeny scraps of cloth in unsuitable fabrics. And ribbons. I thought about what I could do with the ribbons. They were not wide enough. But I could sew one each side of the slit. t...
Read more

Blue H & M Dress, dress of the day 393

Image
  Angela Lansbury wearing a blue background dress from H &M. Photo by Trevor Sharot. The Blue H & M Dress Blue background dress has a white pattern. Blues are hard to match. But I had a white blouse, so I wore this. On the internet and on Facebook you can see lots of videos of how to tie a scarf, but mine is simply hanging, which partly obscures the cleavage.  Cleavage cover I had a choice. To insert a dickey or false front, also called a removable or detachable collar. I have one or two which are plain white.  The alternative which saves hunting for a matching dickey without distracting collar colours and embrodiery, is simply to add a fastening. I decided that a snap or press stud fastener in small size is qhich to fasten and unlikely to pull apart (as opposed to hook and eye. I like velcro but it can scratch your skin, so the press stud was the right andwer. You have to get the two sides exactly measured up from the point of the V neck otherwide you end up with...
Read more

Period Pants from Marks & Spencer & More, post 345

Image
Period pants from Savida. Pants, UK. In the USA they would be called underpants. They come in two colours, black or dark blue with a mottled effect. They are triple layer. Could be useful for hiking and travelling. Or when you have a cough.  A pack of three full briefs for fifteen pounds. I then googled period pants and found lots of results.  Marks Marks & Spencer do a pack of three containing three different colours, black, white and pink, for sixteen pounds.  They also do different absorbencies. The options range though light, heavy, and extra heavy. And more styles, such as pantaloon style, like short tight shorts coming half way down your thighs. You can also buy leakproof swimwear with the brand name WUKA. Wikipedia has useful worldwide reviews of practices. Wiki picture. Useful search words (alphabetically):  A-D absorbent, absorbency adult diapers briefs,  cloth menstrual pads diapers E-K full briefs,  heavy absorbency,  heavy flow,  i...
Read more