A Cynic's Translation of What Clothing Descriptions Mean to me. Post 580

When I read descriptions, I often wonder what the truth is.

24 hour chat line - automatic answering service which tells you our opening hours, during which this message is discontinued and all phone ines are busy

As New - such a horrid colour and rough fabric and funny cut with long arms and short bodice, too tight to wear, 

as seen - full of moth holes, do not store with other clothes, only to be worn when trekking in Iceland

backless - the reason it's so cheap is we only gave you half the dress fabric

beautiful - (private seller) but not beautiful enough for me to want to keep it, (shop) actually we are a shop, but this has no label, no description, we had to say something

choose currency - can we please charge you double by going into another currency and charging you a fee

classic - completely lacking in any style

delicate item - do not wear with jewellery, watches, belts, under any jacket or coat, and do not talk with your hands. Wear once only

do not bleach - sorry about the stains, we already tried to get them out but nothing works

do not wring - liable to come apart as you pull it on

drop shoulder - you only get half this dress. The novice made a mistake and cut the neck lopsided.

dry clean only - we haven't a clue what this is made of

dusky rose - this was once a delightful bright pink but now looks faded and dirty

edge to edge - no buttons or buttonholes and not enough fabric to pull together

ends midnight - we only had one at this low price, and just put it up to get attention, and it will be gone by tonight

eyelet dress - we can't spell brodery on glaze, and when we can spell broderie anglaise our spell checker changes it 

faux - fake

free postage - these items are dolls house size

free returns - all our items are rubbish, but half the customers are too lazy to return the goods and even if they do we have borrowed your money for free for a month

family business - three generations of people who can't hold down a job, and can't add up

hand wash only - the colours run, unfinished stitching, it falls apart

handkerchief hem - we cut off a triangle to make a small scarf to sell separately

ice silk - not silk, but you can fool most of the customers most of the time

makes you feel like a princess - wear once only, then give it away to charity

One size fits all - fits nobody. made for midgets

pay with one click - please be careful not to touch your mouse or you will buy all your watched items costing 2,000 dollars

pencil skirt - too tight for anybody with normal curves, only for anorexics and the frail elderly

petite - we tried selling this as a tunic, then as a bolero, this is our last effort to sell it before we chuck it out

plated/gold plated/silver plated/chromium plated - do not remove from protective paper, will last about five minutes so long as you don't use your ring hand to open a door, or turn a tap, or grab a rail when climbing onto a bus, or hold onto anything on a train, or hold a shopping basket. We don't know why you are complaining. It was fine on our model and held in mid-air for twenty seconds.

postage will be shown at checkout - postage will triple the cost, so we tell you when it is too late to back out

pre-loved - either worn so much that the colour has faded, the seems have come apart, one button is already missing and the others will detach as you open the packet

sale - items we could not sell before, because they are size 11 shoes and doll-size underwear

satisfed customers - most people go away if we don't answer their letters, we have just moved again

see picture - we hope to sell this to somebody who has lost their spectacles or broken their reading glasses

small size - fits nobody, feels like a straightjacket

spagetti straps - we made every economy, including the thinnest shoulder straps

spare button - all sixteen lovely buttons are loose, sewn on in a hurry, but you are probably too tired to sew every one of them tighter so here is one spare as a gesture of goodwill

store out of direct sunlight - colours started fading in the shop - wear in a dark disco where nobody can see

stunning - can't believe anybody paid money, or even accepted it as a gift

support bra - solid as a suit of armour, makes a petite woman look like a sumo wrestler

vintage - long past its sell by date

unique - we have never seen anything so ghastly before

wash before use - you don't want to know what the maker of this object says she has now she has gone off sick /  clothes from our dead,  ancestor - item she wore when we found the decomposing body / stored in room with rat droppings and dead cockroaches / we hope the brown stains you did not notice will come out in the wash

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